Peer-to-Peer

FROM A DIVISIONAL DIRECTOR OF A DOW-JONES INDUSTRIAL INDEX COMPANY

“Most managers are way too focused on keeping costs down or protecting their turf to extend something unsolicited.”

“I’ve absolutely come to appreciate that women (including myself) often DON’T care to negotiate.  We  often sell ourselves short waiting for others to recognize our talents and efforts and offer to promote us.  But I’ve learned that’s baloney.  Most managers are way too focused on keeping costs down or protecting their turf to extend something unsolicited.

Still, if you make your request and in a substantiated way and you have strong results, most of those same managers will end up going along, sometimes just because they don’t want to hassle of having to replace you.

I still don’t feel like I’m as assertive as I should be.”

FROM THE DIRECTOR OF CORPORATE COMMUNICATIONS, FORTUNE 500 COMPANY

“Women tend to be more intuitive, so we don’t often really have to ask for things of each other. In the past I’ve made the mistake assuming that the same intuitiveness would apply at work.”

“I wasn’t really prepared to negotiate when entering the work world.  Like the author of The Negotiating Guide for Women mentioned in the first chapter, I really fall into the “good girl” category. In school, I’d always paid attention in class, did my homework, studied, and was well behaved. So the “rewards” I received for doing those things would eventually come, in time.

When I entered the workforce, I figured if I followed that same approach, it would be a formula for success.

For the most part, I’ve worked really hard, delivered results, gotten along well with others, and then sat around and waited for praise, promotions, etc. Often they would come.  But not always. I have found that in business, sometimes you just have to ask for what you want.

Women in general tend to be more intuitive, so we don’t often really have to ask for things of each other. In the past I’ve made the mistake assuming that the same intuitiveness would apply at work. Don’t they know what I need? Don’t they understand what I want?  A few times when I finally got up the courage to ask for something, I was surprised that the answer was often “yes.”

I definitely had an “ah-ha” moment early in my career. I was offered a job in corporate communications for a major retailer and the offer included a base salary and “sign-on bonus.” Several months into my job, I found out that my base salary was technically below my pay grade and that the manager who hired me used the sign-on bonus to “get me” to the right level. At the time I learned of this, the woman who hired me had already left the company and I was newly reporting directly to the CFO.

I was terrified to ask him to increase my salary, especially since we hadn’t worked together long. But my pay was literally not in compliance with the company compensation standards so I knew I’d be crazy not to talk to my boss about it.  I finally realized, ‘what I am waiting for? This needs to be made right, and I deserve to be paid fairly!’

I prepared for what I thought was going to be a long discussion where I’d have to state my case. Instead, I set up the meeting, told my boss what I’d learned and that I’d like my base salary to be brought up to the correct grade.  He said, OK. From that point on I realized, if I didn’t stand up for myself, no one else would.

I don’t think the “game” is weighted against women. And even if it were, that should be no excuse. We are our own worst enemies.  Many of the things – biological, psychological, or otherwise – that make women different should not be viewed as weaknesses, but are strengths. I think women need to learn how to leverage those differences, like being empathetic or emotional, instead of figuring out how to act more like men to get what we want.

When attempting to persuade others toward our point of view, those skills of being able to read body language and sense others emotions are actually quite advantageous.  And frankly, I learned from a very successful female boss in my past, leveraging our own femininity, appropriately, instead of hiding it, can be very, very powerful.”

FROM THE FOUNDER OF A MANAGEMENT CONSULTING FIRM BASED IN THE SOUTHEAST

“You must explain your interests and understand how it will effect others.”

“I grew up with two older brothers – so I had to learn at an early age to negotiate for what I wanted.   Unfortunately – it manifested itself into what my teachers called “bossy”.   I learned at an early age if I wanted something I had to be clear and persistent – or I would be run over in the game of life.   Fortunately along the way I learned how to be more charismatic and crafty in negotiating…but those formidable years where I learned to communicate clearly my desires was key in building confidence in that it is OK to ask for what you want.

My wake-up moment came when I was in college and had a job working at the Kroger Distribution Center in Dallas.   I had a special honors class I wanted to take – but it would require me to leave my job two hours early twice a week.   I asked my boss if I could leave early to take the class and he told me to ask his boss.

So I made an appointment  one afternoon to ask permission  (first things first – I had to get up the courage to ASK!) .   Unfortunately, his answer was a short and simple “no”.

I was dumbfounded at how simple and automatically he said “no.”  I had clearly thought through the fact that if I left the office early twice a week there would be no impact on my work yet in one word he shut me down.   This was the first time in my career that I felt helpless.   I had learned how to negotiate with two older brothers – but the boss’ boss’ – well that was another story. Who was I to defy the authority of the head boss?

I don’t know what came over me – but I burst out in tears crying on the spot rather than defy him.   Now my boss’ boss was dumbfounded.    I worked in the warehouse and there were only a handful of woman…and I am sure he had never before seen a young girl burst into tear in his office.     We were both in uncharted territory.

Fortunately – he broke the ice saying “wow, this class must be pretty special.  Can you tell me about why it is so important for you to attend?”    And once I felt like I could explain my thinking he came around and realized I was being responsible and gave me the time off.

The lesson I learned that day was  ”don’t just take no for an answer!”  You must explain your interests and understand how it will effect others.”

FROM THE PRINCIPAL/FOUNDER OF ECO MARKETING LLC AND FORMER GLOBAL MARKETING MANAGER AT I.B.M.

“Women are far more likely to be bullied, and interestingly enough, the bulliers are most often other women.”

“Clueless” would be a good way to describe me as I graduated from Wellesley College.  The emphasis throughout my childhood was on intellectual pursuits.  I really didn’t know how to DO anything.  I had virtually no street smarts or exposure to the business world.

Nonetheless, I wanted to be in business, and was advised to go into sales.  My first sales job was selling copiers door-to-door in Boston, on 100% commission.  Talk about a steep learning curve!  I succeeded because of my perseverance (call it competitive attitude!).  My success was not based on negotiation, but rather in building relationships and in persevering.  Overcoming and anticipating objections to win business can be an art.

One example of a negotiation win was in a sales situation. A prospect made a decision to purchase from another vendor.  Instead of walking away, I asked if they would share with me what I could have done differently in order to win their business.  Surprisingly, they told me, and they gave me a chance to prove myself and win the business—which I did.

It worked because I was willing to take the fall for not doing a good job in the sales process. But this was just one sale.  And the stakes weren’t that high.  When the stakes are high, such as job security, it’s very intimidating to negotiate.  There’s a huge fear of losing everything.

Women are conditioned to avoid confrontation and to seek common ground.  Actually, this is a form of negotiation – focusing on what’s in it for the person on the other side of the negotiating table.

Women especially should learn how to recognize bullying in the workplace and to try to curb it early on.  Check out Take the Bully by the Horns by Sam Horn.  Women are far more likely to be bullied, and interestingly enough, the bulliers are most often other women.

A key lesson I’ve learned is that it’s critical to establish milestones on Day One for such things as performance reviews, pay increases and promotions.  It’s helpful to track quantifiable successes and recognition by others in order to demonstrate tangible results.

Except in rare instances, you get only what you ask for.  If you don’t ask, forget it.  Even if you do ask, you may not get what you want, but it’s usually worth asking!”

FROM A LEADING BUSINESS JOURNALIST

“I think that the work-world today is one that demands constant negotiating, especially now where everyone is faced with the issue of endless work but limited resources. Every day is a negotiation—deadlines, project priorities, client demands.”

“I was totally unprepared when I entered the real world to negotiate for things that I wanted. I knew how to get what I wanted, but rarely did that involve negotiating. My negotiating skills did not truly develop until I was older, and had a fair bit of work experience under my belt.

Funny enough, my ‘wake up call’ came when I needed to something for my son as opposed to something for myself. I think as women, we find it easier to ask and negotiate for things for others, rather than for ourselves. I learned more about negotiating by negotiating for my family, ultimately learning that I could also do the same for myself.

My ‘big win’, again, relates to my son.

I needed to get him treatment for a speech problem and was trying to work through an underfunded, antiquated system. I went into a meeting with the funding agency with a very clear outcome in mind. I knew what issues I could be flexible on, and which ones I couldn’t. I had done my homework, had the research in hand, as well as back up from professionals who supported my objectives.

Ultimately, we came to an agreement that ensured my son got the treatment he needed, while working with two different agencies and a blended funding program. I think there were two things at play here. Obviously, as a parent, that mother bear instinct kicks in. But secondly, I think it is far easier to demand and negotiate for someone who, for whatever reason, in not in a position to do so herself.

Are there gender barriers? I think it depends on the woman and the field in which she is working although I do think women and men negotiate differenlty. I’m not sure I would say that the game is weighted against women, but women are more conditioned to avoid confrontation and to bend than men—which I also think that can work in our favour. Negotiating involves give and take from all parties.

I think we need to be clear that negotiating doesn’t mean getting everything you want. In order to successfully negotiate, you need to have a very clear idea of what you are completely unwilling to bend on, and what things you are willing to concede to the other side. This needs to be decided before any kind of discussion begins. In terms of attitude, there needs to be a willingness to listen and to bend on those things that do not block your ultimate goal.

I think that the work world today is one that demands constant negotiating, especially now where everyone is faced with the issue of endless work but limited resources. Every day is a negotiation—deadlines, project priorities, client demands. Knowing what you want and need, clearly articulating that perspective and knowing where you can be flexible are necessary skills.”